A Holiday Poem

A visit from #{new_hire}

'Twas a new day at #{company_name},
#{new_hire} was eager to get in the game!
They threw open their laptop, and cloned the repo!
When all of the sudden, they exclaimed, "Oh, no!”

The controllers were fat, and the models were, too!
There was even some logic stored in the views!
Coverage was low; complexity high!
And, there was so much damn churn, they started to cry!

The other developers, we all shied away,
As #{new_hire} approached, a hurt look on their face.
"What were you thinking?" they asked in a broken voice.
#{team_lead} responded, "We had no choice.”

"You see, there're investors and customers, too,
Who'll want their money back if we don't produce.”

"That's why we hired you!”

"A fresh perspective you'll bring to this problem, we know.
And, solutions, we hope, to solve all our woes.”

"Well fortunately, team," pronounced #{new_hire},
"I've got some tricks up my sleeve. This isn't so dire.
There are some principles that we can apply,
To solve all the issues RubyCritic did spy.”

And, so we embarked on a journey together,
To increase productivity to its highest point ever.
As #{team_lead} came through with POODR for all,
We learned new concepts both big and small.

Coverage shot up, complexity came down,
As we decoupled, refactored, and generally unwound
All the years of ignoring our technical debt
Until flog declared our new code the simplest yet.

With new practices, principles, and patterns at hand,
Our team sped up, meeting every demand!
So much so, in fact, there arose quite a clatter,
From customers who now felt like they actually mattered.

At the holiday party, near the end of the year,
With everyone engaged in a round of good cheer,
#{vp} took the mic, and thanked our whole team,
For all the success that together we'd seen.

With the evening soiree coming to close,
Clearing their throat, #{new_hire} arose,

To which all convened stood and froze.

"We did it!" they toasted, glass raised in the air.
"We saved #{company_name} from certain despair."

#{team_lead} responded, "Because you cared!"

"You cared so much that we had to take heed,
Or be bludgeoned by metrics until we agreed!”

Joyful and laughing and proud to the core,
It was then that #{new_hire} made their move for the door.
We heard them exclaim as they strode out of sight,
There's a lesson for all in #{company_name}'s plight.

Code is read more times than it's written.
So said Sandi, and we should all take a listen.
Structure your source in a way to please
The next human to gaze on its simplicity.

The machine won't know. It won't care how much clearer
You expressed your intention. But, the one in the mirror

Will thank you profusely,
For not expressing obtusely
The messages you send,
That cause bits to bend
From zero to one,
Until program == "done"

With each breath of wisdom, we struggled to hear
#{new_hire} kept moving, and then disappeared.
One last thought came through in a burst of bright light,
Love each other. Laugh together. And, code POROs all night.

Happy Holidays!