The Other Side of Fear

I prepared a lightning talk for RubyConf. Unfortunately, I got distracted and failed to secure a spot. But, I'm pretty proud of the little thing. So, I thought I'd share it here...

Fear.

It’s not something we talk about. But, it’s here. It’s here because we are. And as humans, we take it with us everywhere we go. 

Fear leads us to build emotional fortresses around our true selves, so we can cower behind them alongside our Imposter Syndrome.

Or, is that just me?

Hi. I’m Alan Ridlehoover.

And, everything I’ve ever wanted has been on the other side of fear.

Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. But I want to talk about the fear of rejection.

Like a virus, the fear of rejection causes us to put on masks and practice social distancing. It lies dormant within us until we’re exposed to a new person or a new situation, then flares up rapidly.

For example, do you remember the first time you wanted to kiss someone? In that moment, you likely experienced anxiety triggered by a fear of rejection alongside a rush of intoxicating endorphins brought on by Cupid. But, even with the hormones, asking the question, “May I kiss you?” takes real courage. You’re putting yourself out there, sharing your desire for intimacy. That’s an incredibly vulnerable act. If you fear rejection enough, you won’t even ask the question. And, fear will have kept you apart.

At work, we experience fear differently.

Many of us have Imposter Syndrome. 

As someone who’s been there, I know how it affects me. I fear people will discover I’m a fraud, my accomplishments will be discredited, and I’ll be shunned. Ultimately, it boils down to my fear of rejection, and it leads me to fortify the defenses that prevent me from connecting with my colleagues.

So, how can we get past this? How can we connect with each other? 

The key is trust.

Trust is the vaccine for fear. A large enough dose and regular boosters can inoculate us, mitigating fear’s worst symptoms.

But, trust isn’t free.

It comes at the cost of vulnerability. 

Someone must take a leap of faith, let their guard down, and share something of themselves. And someone else has to respond with vulnerability of their own.

Often people express vulnerability in the form of a question. For example, “How does that work?” exposes that the person doesn’t know. That’s a risk in an environment where trust hasn’t been established. It’s a vulnerable act.

A few years ago, I observed a coworker, Stephanie Viccari, do something magical in this situation. She was teaching an RSpec class at Meraki. And, when someone asked a question, she responded with, “I don’t know. Let’s figure it out!” 

I love that because it was such a beautiful, humane way of answering the question. Stephanie acknowledged that the person might be feeling vulnerable, reciprocated, and then she invited them to participate in finding the answer together. Stephanie leveraged that small expression of vulnerability to build trust. She made it okay to not know. And, that’s the foundation of…

psychological safety.

That’s what gives teammates confidence that they won’t be humiliated or punished for sharing an idea, asking a question, or making a mistake. Without that safety, teams will never reach their full potential.

Now, I want to acknowledge that there’s not always a Stephanie in the room.

If your teammates aren’t reciprocating your vulnerability with their own, you could try to be more explicit about what your doing by saying something like, “at the risk of being vulnerable…” Or, you could talk to your manager about the lack of safety on the team.

But, if the situation is beyond repair, if being vulnerable is seen as a weakness rather than the strength that it is, you may need to find a safer team. When looking for one, answer an interview question with, “I don’t know. Can I look it up?” How they respond will be enlightening.

Ultimately, I believe the fear of rejection prevents us from truly seeing each other and actually being there for one another, which is a shame since we all have so much to offer, and together we can move mountains.

The way past that fear is to build trusting relationships through vulnerability. That’s what will guide us to the psychological safety waiting for us on the other side of fear.

So, go ahead! Ask the vulnerable question! 

Because, everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.

And, who knows? 

You might even get kissed!